love makes seman taste better
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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