The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
