I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
