I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
