So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
