the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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