For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
