I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
