I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
