I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
