I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He has the fingertips of a God
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