yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
