Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Randomize
