walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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