Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The air was thick with penises
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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