The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
