Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
