Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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