tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize