Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
