I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
