Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize