I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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