Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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