chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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