We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize