4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
