I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He shit in the fireplace
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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