Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
