Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
