____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
