I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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