i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
