Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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