I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize