we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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