If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
