all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
