just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
