jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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