i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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