Nicole vs. Life
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I did not marry a roomba.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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