i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
This is classic penis vs brain.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We need to get me chipped asap
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
