Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
