I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize