I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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