and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
