I think my vagina is haunted
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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