well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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