me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
