I'm so fucking centered right now
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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