There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
