so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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