dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
