$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
So squirting runs in the family.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I think my moral compass just broke
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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