The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
