So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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