Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
